The rapt millions thronging St Peters' Square were overwhelmed by the love of our Lord as His new earthly voice spoke from between the magnificent 'Arco D'Oro' of the Holy Place and echoed blissfully across the world by the blessed gift of Sky News inc.
"Una Die, Una Chiesa, Una Papa."
The multitudinous faithful tore their rainment and wept in gratitude that at last here was a leader fit to rescue the souls of the meek from the evil temptations of the demonic Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, Rhoda, and The Monkees. They waved their traditional red and yellow 'Macdonni' flags in obeysance to the glorious, unshakeable godhead who would restore Catholic pride and reclaim the Church's rightful historic destiny after a decline which has lasted a thousand years..
"Viva Papa! Viva Papa!" the chanted mindlessly.
Ex-Cardinal Razzo Von Gruppenfurher's rise to power from his provincial Bavarian power base is now complete. From the terrible night of his original vision of The Beatles themselves in a bierkeller in Munich, he has dedicated his life to restoring humanity to the arms of the Holy Cee. His unshakeable faith and discipline will lead the Catholic Church into a new Thousand Year reign in the name of the Ultimate Truth, restoring Order whre there was once Decadence and Sonny Bono. Doctrinal orders will be obeyed. Resistance is useless.
Will the decadent forces of evil sustain their campaign of bestial curiousity into God's Creation? Or will they turn from their filthy perverted ways and succumb to overwhelming religious evidence? That is the question the world must ask itself this morning.
This is our last spiritual claim on your souls.
Meanwhile, in a camp in a war-torn country, a baby takes its first steps...
(Mel Gibson is 76)