"There was this gentleman, completely covered in flames head to toe, and he got up and attacked the policeman - who was coming to assist! And I thought that's no right. What are we doing lettin these guys get away wi' it - y'know? What's the score?"The Admirable Smeaton went on to say how he and 'Mary' 'restrained the gentleman.' Thank you Jeeves. But we all know that in fact he Decked the gentleman, and decked him good. In an ideal world, nutted. Because 'that's no right'. Trying to destroy human lives is not right.
Describing the noise made by an adjacent blazing deathtruck of gas canisters, he said with cool authority:
"Anyone who's thrown a lit can of deodorant on a bonfire will recognise the sound. Definitely gas."That is why the terrorists are losers, because people like John Smeaton simply refuse to be terrified. And people like John Smeaton have thrown deodorant cans on bonfires for a laugh and totally against the rules. A surefire ASBO offence nowadays.
While he was giving his wonderful account of the day he got to fulfill a universal fantasy - to legitimately clout someone who badly deserved it - you could see his eyes lighting up with the words
I really hope it was for him, because it appears that while there are people like John Smeaton, or even drunks to be picked up from nightclubs (the unsung hero of the Tiger Tiger near-miss on friday) then neither Indie-terrorism nor George Bush's bloodthirsty Profit Worship, nor Gordon Brown's neo-presbyterian indogenous growth theory can ever really win. In fact, maybe one day, they will get the kicking they deserve.
John Smeaton 1742 - 1792. The First Civil Engineer.